I have an inclination to write more. I think blogging is a very therapeutic outlet for pent up frustrations and feelings. I think this will be beneficial. But, what to blog about?
Do I write about the mundane-ness of an average day? Should I contemplate bigger problems and try and solve world issues? I'm not sure where to start. The only time I've been truly consistent with blogging was when I was pregnant. I had so much to say then. Why do I have trouble figuring out where to start now?
In all honesty, it's not for lack of things to say. I have many ideas of what to write about. Should I use this as an outlet to air my frustrations? I don't think I could be that bold. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone close to me. But, then again, what about those who aren't close anymore. Do I have it in my heart to rehash things of that nature? I don't want to write a controversial blog that would draw negative attention. So, I guess for right now, I will just write more about me. I will try and give a greater insight for those of you who may not know much about me.
I am a sensitive person. Completely overcritical of myself. I feel like I don't accomplish enough, and then some days I feel as though I do too much.
I am an introvert. I feel more comfortable at home. I hope this is something that Joseph is not. I want him to be outgoing. I want him to feel comfortable in large groups. I want him to feel comfortable with talking to people he doesn't know. This is not me though. I'm a homebody.
That's not to say that I don't have good friends. I guess it's just my measure of what is an appropriate and normal amount of communication and togetherness differs from other peoples ideas. It's been like this since before high school. I feel like the bonds of a good true friendship go deep and don't necessarily have to be tended with constant seeing each other or talking. I guess that makes me distant. Some people understand it. Some people don't. I like the friendships where I can pick up where things left off. The relationships that don't take much to thrive. Is this strange? Don't get me wrong I like human attention, but I guess I'm not as driven for it as some people. There is an exception to this rule though, Kim, Jeremiah and Joseph. I will never, can never have too much of them. Talk to them too much, see them too often. But why is this not true for everyone else? I'm not sure. I think this is why I've lost several friendships over the years. I don't have what it takes to manage the upkeep of being a good friend. It's not like I'm purposefully distant. It's not like I don't like seeing my friends. It's just in my heart I would rather be with the family I am closest with.
Like I said, I guess I just believe that the roots run deep. When we lived in Colorado I only talked with my family once a week usually. I talked to my dad even less than that. It didn't mean he still wasn't my dad. It didn't mean I loved him less. It was just a matter of he was my dad, and would be regardless of the amount we talked. I guess that's how I see friendships. The problem is not everyone sees it this way. Then, I feel like I'm being a bad friend, when I'm really just being myself. This probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people. I don't know how else to explain it.
This probably isn't all my fault either. It's a nature vs. nurture issue. My mom is a lot this way. She really didn't have many relationships outside of the home when I was growing up. My dad and us kids were her priorities. I think I feel much the same. I've wrapped Joseph and Jeremiah around me, much like a cloak.
When coaxed out of my cocoon I am capable of socializing. It just takes a little bit to warm up. For example, I don't really like talking on the phone. Okay, let me rephrase that. I don't like making the call or answering the phone, but once I'm in the conversation I'm happy. It's just the first step. Also, I love hanging out with people like my BFF Melanie, or other good friends like Liz, Jessica or Dana. Also, I enjoy seeing the great people at St. John that I have come to love as family. But, it's that first step I always stumble on, making the call, making the plans. I always enjoy myself once we get together, it's just making that first move.
There's probably some deep rooted answer. I guess that's for a therapist to answer. And it's not really that I mind being this way. It's my sensitivity. I don't care, but I care what other people think. What other people say, to me, and behind my back. I try. But, it's hard to be someone other than me.
I make play dates or plans. But I always fall through on the followup. Not purposefully. I just don't think about it, and then by about that point I'm a "bad' friend. I'm trying though. To socialize more, come out of my shell. I am doing more at church than I ever have. I am going to extra church things other than just Sunday church. I am making an effort. But there's something so comfortable about keeping myself covered up and only really exposed to a couple of people that is reassuring.
So as I come to a close, I wonder about something. Am I doomed to have all my friendships flounder? Am I really not as good of a friend as I think? Or are the ones who don't understand me not as good of friends because they don't accept and love me the way that I am, faults included? I had what I felt was a very strong, very deep relationship end recently. Someone I grew up with, went to school with, got into teenage trouble with, and was able to share the pain of a sibling that had passed away with. Someone who I planned to always be friends with. Perhaps my efforts weren't good enough. Perhaps it was both of our faults. Perhaps we just grew into two different adults that were no longer compatible as friends. Life is like that though. Sometimes the people you think you can always count on will become the people that you are least likely to be able to depend on, and vice versa. For example, when I met my best friend Melanie 10 years ago, I didn't know then that we would become as close of friends as were are today.
But in the end, all I can be is me. Love me for me. Be my friend because you love, appreciate, understand me. I try all the time to be better, but I'm faulted, I'm jaded, I'm broken and I will never live up to everyone elses expectations of who or what I should be. I'm just me.