Friday, May 21, 2010


Always I fall into a rut with this. I edit myself. I want to blog, but I find myself saying one of the following.. I can't write about that, because so and so will not be happy, and I can't write about that, because I really don't want him or her to know about that, and I can't write about that because I will offend, outrage those people, and I can't write about that, because, people will judge me.

So, then I find myself unable to write, because I can't think of a safe topic. One that doesn't fall under any of those categories. It's hard. I'm just not a controversial person. I don't like drama, so therefore I don't want to create it.

Anyways, I'm sure this will just become a hodgepodge type blog entry, but then again, I guess most of them usually are.

Joseph is amazing. I can't believe how awesome he is. He is becoming more and more like a little person. Certain personality traits are becoming stronger and stronger. He is definitely JJ's look a like, but has my personality almost to the bone. Which if you know me at all means he is becoming rather independent, rather stubborn, and rather OCD. He has to be the last one out and he has to make sure the screen door is closed before we leave. He wants to carry bags or packages, even if they weigh as much or more than him. He's starting to string more and more words together and creating his own little language. Like him tasting my meatloaf, then spitting it out, and then telling me, "Is yuck!" He is just a super cool kid. I know I've said it a hundred times, but he is even better than what I dreamed he would be. I love being his mom. I love how smart, and inquisitive he is becoming. He's a spectacular boy!

Which leads me to the next topic.. More children. I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm honestly scared that another kid wouldn't be as amazing as Joseph is. Which is silly, because now that we have a little bit of an idea of what we're doing it would probably be the opposite. It's hard to imagine another kid as awesome as he is though.

But babies, babies, babies.. Why is it when you want one everyone is pregnant? I guess it's because I just pay more attention. I definitely want another one. But, I want to wait until we have room for another one. I want to wait until I'm sure my husband will be here for the arrival. And I want to lose some more weight so that I can hopefully have a less eventful, healthier pregnancy. I'm down six pounds, so I'm well on my way.

But then a little voice in my head says, I don't want to wait. So many other people don't properly plan and prepare for their children. They get pregnant because it's the thing to do. They get pregnant because they want someone to love them. They get pregnant to save a relationship. They get pregnant because they don't want to lose their chance. Sometimes these things work out, but a lot of times they don't. I hate being a planner for this reason. I just want to be a little irresponsible and do what I WANT, not what is best in the long run.

I mean, I knew I wanted my children born in wedlock, with a mother and father. I knew I wanted to provide them with their own space (ie, a room). I knew I wanted to be able to afford to give them some of their wants not just their needs. I also wanted to be sure the person I had a child with would be there for the long haul, because I would really like all of my children to be from the same father. I also knew that Jeremiah and I needed a foundation to properly support a family. Joseph wasn't born until 8 years into our relationship (4 years into our marriage). We started trying after we were married for three, but we felt by that point that we had a good foundation. I have a hard time understanding why you want to take a relationship that isn't sturdy or deep and procreate. And I'm not talking about the "surprises." I know full well those happen. We had one happen last summer. But I also know there are plenty of ways to prevent those surprises, because trust me, after 6 years of marriage if there weren't ways to prevent them we would probably be on our 6 or 7 child by now. I mean I know not everyone is as analytical about this as I am. And I'm not knocking what makes everyone happy. I'm just saying it's not for me.

I mean if I had a dime for every person that tells me how complicated their life is because one of the children's parents aren't involved in their lives, or how they wish they would have done this or that instead of rushing into having a child, or how they can't afford their children, I would be rich. That's not to say that you can't do all the planning in the world and still end up in these situations, but I'm talking about people who rushed and pushed their way to be at the front of the baby making line without any thought, without any planning. Again, I know this isn't the case for a lot of children, and yes, surprises happen, I'm talking about the others out there.

I know I wanted to wait to give my children the best possible situation to grow up in, and it boggles my mind that not everyone feels that way. Life is tough enough that I wouldn't want my children to have such a rough head start. I mean I know decades ago, that was the thing to do, you got into a relationship and the next step was to have a baby. It's not like that anymore.

So, this brings me around to my next topic.. Relationships. Let's start with the ones of the friend variety. Why is it some people don't want to be there when your world is crashing down, but insist on you being there when theirs is? This frustrates me to no end. If I'm a good enough friend to be there with the stuff really hits the fan, why can't you be there for me when I'm losing my ground? It's frustrating. Period.

Next is actual romantic relationships. I have a very close friend who, as I've stated before, is on the cusp of what will prove to be a nasty divorce. Her husband has now actually filed divorce papers. This is a bittersweet situation in so many ways. First of all, both parties involved are good friends of ours. Secondly, one party in particular, has not gone out of the way to be the bigger person, and has subsequently hurt the children involved. It's hard to be in the middle. Both sides contradict each other on everything. The worst part is that there is a third wheel in this whole deal, and that person, I believe is the straw that broke the camel's back. It's hard enough to keep a marriage afloat when there is only two people involved, when you add a third (obviously other than God) it makes a slippery situation, that much more slippery. I also think one person has been getting the raw end of the deal the whole time. Which leads to the question of, how can you promise to love someone, protect them, then have children with them, and cast them aside? Just because someone gives you something more in the bedroom? Just because someone is fitter, or "listens" more? Or is more fun? I mean if you ever cared about your spouse wouldn't the more caring thing to do be to end relationship, before carrying on any other - no matter how innocent - relations with anyone else? I just don't get it. But again, I don't know all the facts. The facts I do know, suck though. I can't decipher more facts because he says one thing, she says the opposite and vice versa. I just hope and pray that both parties make the right choices, and do what is in the best interest of everyone involved, not just themselves. And here's some advice to the third wheel.. If this person did this to their spouse, and you marry them down the line, what makes you think they won't do it to you? The grass will always be greener on the other side. There will always be someone fitter, prettier, more fun, or better in bed. Good luck with that.

On a different note.. My husband will be gone from Sunday until Friday. He will be in Battlecreek getting ready for OCS which will take place in June. As it stands, June 11th will be the day he ships out to Alabama. Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers as we start this next part of our journey.

1 comment:

  1. I feel that way about blogging too. I have a journal now that I write in instead of blog so it's easier on my nerves. You and I are two of the lucky people to have wonderful relationships with friends and our spouses. I wish everyone could find that same happiness.