Monday, September 6, 2010

Moving On

A lot of thought has been given to a tough situation over the last few days. I recently had to get into contact with the person with whom I had a friendship end during JJ's absence (during OCS). The person currently has some borrowed items belonging to us, and I trying to be the bigger person, contacted the person to see about having the items returned. Accusations were brought up by this person over what caused the deterioration of the relationship. I've thought about this situation a lot. I've prayed about it a lot. But, I always circle around to the same answer, I shouldn't mourn the loss of this relationship. Especially since they didn't care enough about me to even address me when they wanted the relationship over, especially considering what was already going on in my life.

I didn't want a confrontation. I didn't want to hear (read) blame or excuses for something that happened nearly 3 months ago. I just want this chapter of my life closed. That's all there is to it. If these were legitimate accusations they would have been brought up immediately. Not nearly a quarter year later. It just seems like grasping at straws to alleviate the guilt over the situation.

JJ asked me if I missed this person. It's not a hard question to answer. Yes, I do miss this person. It's hard not to after opening yourself and life up so much to one person. So, yeah, I miss them. That doesn't change anything. There's been moments when I wanted this person's opinion, or wanted to share something with them, but it still doesn't change the fact. If I can't count on this person during life's challenges, if they can't be with me through the bad, why do I want them around for the good?

I mean even in a marriage you have to take the bad with the good. Marriages aren't all candy and roses. Marriages are filled with hardships, struggles, issues. As are most relationships. Yeah, some crappy things happened during my relationship with this person, but the main reason I didn't end things, is because of the big picture. Yeah crappy things happen in every relationship, it's the sticking them out and continuing to love and be there for each other even when you're at your worst that matters. I don't have time for people in my life who are just going to walk out when the going gets tough. That's what happened here. Crappy things happen in all relationships. All of them: marriages, parental/children, siblings, friends, etc. Nothing is perfect. No relationship is perfect. That's why I didn't end my relationship with her when she did crappy things. I mean, sure some of the things said and done were not good in the slightest, but regardless of it, she was still my friend. I loved her anyway. I believed in the "this too shall pass" mentality and that anything going wrong was just a hiccup or a bump in the road.

I don't have room in my life for abandonment though. I've got enough baggage already from being abandoned, and it's not something I choose to allow in my life. You want to walk out of our relationship? That's fine, but don't expect to be allowed back into my circle of trust. I will forgive, but I always will learn that you cannot be depended on, counted on, or trusted. I will not come crawling back and asking for things to be as they once were. I have no reason to be bound to you. You aren't my husband, you aren't my child, I have no reason to carry about this wish that everything could be fixed.

No one likes failing at things. I guess that's part of the problem. I hate that this relationship was a failure, and I wish things could've been done to prevent it from being so. It's in my nature to want to fix things, and make them better. As an adult, I have to recognize this isn't plausible. I need to close the door on this. I didn't run away from this, I didn't close the door, I wasn't given a choice in this matter. I will live with the consequences of this persons actions and learn from it. That's all I can do.

For the sake of keeping the peace we'll probably always be acquaintances. Mainly because of the circle of friends we both belong to. I'm going to reiterate this though. I don't hate this person. I've never hated this person. I forgive them for what they've done. I just want to move past it. It's over, and done. I need to be able to focus my attention on other things. I wish nothing but the best for them and their family, but I have to focus on those in my life who matter.

I am also not saying that one person has done all the wrong in this situation. I know my blogging about some of the things I was hurt by in the relationship really hurt this person. That wasn't my aim. So, I am sorry for any hurt I've caused them. I never expected someone who cared so little about me to be hurt so much by me writing about past things that had happened. But the person was, and I'm sorry for it.

I'm not a cruel or mean spirited person. I wouldn't purposefully hurt someone. I feel sad that I caused hurt. It was never my intention to cause anyone pain, especially over a situation already excruciating for me. All I can do is move on and move past. That's all I want to do. I don't want this to be an issue, a heartache, a headache, a blog topic, or to cause any more feelings or emotions. It's been nearly 3 months. I want this over and done with. I'm ready to move on and past this. It will be my goal to not have the urge to even blog about this person anymore. I will pray that God heals my heart and helps me to put this behind me and completely move on. I'm so ready.

No comments:

Post a Comment