I'm not really sure why, but right now I have a lot of anxiety. I think it's from a build up of emotions and feelings from the last few days. It's not even one thing in particular that's set it off. It's a culmination of a lot of different things. Let's see if I can jot some of this down, get it off my brain, and relieve some of this pressure from my chest.
First of all, we have a special event coming up this month. It's a special day for someone Jeremiah went to school with. It's something we've been looking forward to ever since we received details of the event. I, however, have reservations about going. The person who ended a friendship with me over this summer will more than likely be there. I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in crossing paths with this person. Part of me would like to just sit this event out, especially considering that this person is more JJ's friend that mine, but I know JJ really wants me to go. I have no interest in any drama or any nonsense detracting from this couple's special day. I hope I'm wrong, but I have a feeling that is going to happen. I am an overly sensitive person, and I am not wanting anymore drama in my life than what is absolutely necessary. I've done my best to eliminate as much as I can, and I do not want to purposefully bring it upon myself. I just don't want to agonize over this situation anymore.
I wish I could do more for my sister. She is so amazing and I'm so proud of her. I wish JJ and I have more resources to help make her life easier and less stressful. She's an amazing young woman and is going to make a fabulous doctor one day. I just wish I could do more for her. She's awesome and deserves so much more than she gets.
I'm a little overwhelmed about our finances. I know we've been in tough spots before. I just hate when you put everything down on paper and you can't even imagine how it's all going to work out. I know everything will. God has not ever let us down. I need to have more faith. I need to trust more. It's just so hard sometimes not knowing how things will work out.
I believe I'm a pretty frugal person. I've done my best to cut our finances down to the bare minimum. I click coupons. I shop for things when they're on sale. I am doing my best to pinch pennies and stretch our meager means. We don't live extravagantly. I know this is only a tough spot on the road of life and things will get smoother once again. It's just so hard being in such a vulnerable position. I know God knows our needs and will take care of us.
This subject is a little tougher..
It just sucks finding out that people who you think you really know are not even close to who you thought they were.
I must say in all certainty that I have no mercy for people who are unfaithful to their spouse. I am talking about inappropriate emotional and/or physical relationships. I think it's a selfish, cowardly, low down thing to do. I think it shows total disrespect for everyone involved, and magnifies the "cheater's" own self centered, egotistical delusions about themselves. Here's the simple truth: If you love someone and you find that you are no longer satisfied with them and the "grass is looking greener on the other side," address it with the person you are committed to. If nothing can be done to make the relationship you are in a happier more satisfying place to be, then end it. Be an adult and show some respect. Don't drag other people through your sleazy, selfish garbage. And here's a indicator for you, if at anytime you have to lie, cover up, withhold details from your spouse about another person, more than likely that person shouldn't even be in your life. You cannot carry on a successful relationship with someone who constantly has their hand in someone else's cookie jar.
If you are in a relationship with someone you care about, that person should never ask, expect, or desire you to lie or withhold the truth about your relationship. Anyone that asks you to hide your love or relationship is not ready to be in a relationship and probably does not care for you in the slightest. Only half of that couple will ever be happy or satisfied, and I can promise you it isn't the person who wants to share their relationship with the world.
I must admit that I am a little nervous and apprehensive for JJ's next bit of training. It will be 16 weeks which is the longest training stint so far. I'm looking forward to him completing it and it hopefully helping him find a stable, full time, long term career, but I'm not looking forward to the separation. But as the song goes, "you can't really smile until you've shed some tears." So, we'll do it. We'll make it through. I'm just not looking forward to it. As it still stands he may be leaving in December but that isn't 100% for sure yet. If not in December then more than likely January.
Last but certainly not least..
As much as I want it, and as much as I'm looking forward to it, I am really nervous to be pregnant again. No, this isn't my pregnancy announcement. I'm just looking ahead.
I had such a difficult time carrying Joseph. I just hope that God blesses us with a little bit smoother, healthier pregnancy. I think stress really played a big part in everything going so badly with Joseph. I am doing my best to deal with my stress better (blogging seems to help), and I won't be working and spending so much time on my feet. So, I think it'll be better. I really hope so.
Well, I am feeling a little better. I think I may be able to actually get some sleep now.