Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Merriest Christmas (thus far)

Let me start by saying that it is awesome to have my soldier home. Even if it is for only a couple of weeks, the time has been awesome. He will be leaving this weekend. Prayers for him and our family would be greatly appreciated. He will not be returning until mid April. This will be a trying time for everyone involved.

But anyways, back to the original reason for this post.. Christmas. I hope and pray everyone had as wonderful Christmas as we did. We are blessed in so many, many ways. And we have far more than we could ever deserve.

What an amazing Christmas season this has been! It was wonderful to have Joseph visit Santa and try to tell him what he wanted for Christmas. Yes, we are a Santa believing family. I know this is controversial for many other Christian families, but we believe regardless. I don't think Joseph will suffer any permanent damage because of this.

If you asked Joseph on Christmas Eve who was coming he would proudly exclaim, "SANTA!" We made a big deal about hanging up his empty stocking, leaving cookies and milk for Santa and carrots for the reindeer. If you asked Joseph, Santa would be arriving to our house on a train.

Then came Christmas morning. It was amazing to see this little boy's light up in joy and amazement at all of the colorfully wrapped gifts under the tree. He was most excited about his Lightning McQueen toddler bike. The first thing he did was rip off the bow and climb on. He's still a tab small but he should fit perfect by this summer.

Joseph hit the proverbial toy jackpot. On top of his bike he also received (just to name a few): kitchen set with play dishes, food and shopping cart, lots of cars, monster trucks, a golf set, a parking lot for his cars with a 3 level parking garage, police station with lots of police vehicles, Toy Story 1 & 2 for blue ray, and Toy Story 3 dvd, special carrying case for his cars, puzzles, books, finger paints, bathtub colors and bubbles, and several other dvds. I know I've forgotten some of the toys, so if I didn't name the toy you got for him don't think it's unappreciated. He also received new socks, jammies, outer wear, and a really awesome handmade, crocheted scarf, mitten, and hat set that just makes him look so awesome.

Joseph is thoroughly enjoying all of his new toys. It's especially cute when he cooks something on his stove for us and then brings it to us to "eat". Of course I packed up much of his older toys that he had grown (to be put away for the next child) but I still might need to pack up some more stuff. His room is exploding. It's so awesome to see him playing with all these new toys though. And he did fantastic opening all of his gifts too. In the beginning not only did he want to open his gifts but everyone else's too. Towards the end of the Christmas get togethers it took a little coaxing to get him to open things.

I definitely enjoy this different side of Christmas. I really love seeing the excitement and joy on his face. It's amazing being his Mom.

But before I close, I should say "Santa" was good to me too. I got lots of awesome gifts and many frivolous things that I wouldn't have purchased for myself. I hope everyone had a great Christmas as well.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

All I Want for Christmas..

Okay, so seriously, who doesn't want to end this phrase with, "my two front teeth"?

Christmas is nearly here. For the masses it's a time of consumption and overspending. It's a time of stress and racking up credit card debt. But, I got to thinking this morning, what do I really want for Christmas?

Putting the stereotypical "selfless" answers aside, ya know the ones: World peace, end of world hunger, end of the recession, etc. And putting aside the comical ones: Two front teeth, hippopotamus, etc.

As a Christian I know the "reason" for the season. I know that this is a time to celebrate the birth of my Savior. I know that it's not about gifts, or debt. I know it's not about food, or gluttony. I know it's about Jesus. We celebrate this day, first and foremost, to honor the time when our Lord came to Earth as a little, helpless baby. I know that, I do.

Although I know that, I still have the greed that most people do at Christmas time. An overpowering feeling that I deserve some of my wants during this holiday season. I mean after all it's Christmas right? Why shouldn't I have what I want? Geez, I am selfish.

Ask me what I want for Christmas and you'll hear one of two answers. Either you'll get a list of things I'd like to own that I don't already have. Or perhaps you'll get what has been my standard answer of late: a baby. Truly, honestly, if I could have one thing for Christmas (and luckily I don't have to list my soldier in there, because he will be home for Christmas) it would be another child.

If you've paid attention to this blog, or my other blog (link on the right), you'll know we've been trying, albeit unsuccessfully to expand our family. Truly if I could have a Christmas wish or miracle, it would be for another bundle of joy. That's it. Truly. I have baby on the brain.

And while I'm talking about it, let me say this. Those of you who say, "just stop thinking about it and it'll happen," have never, ever been in my shoes or anything close to my shoes. Do you know who says that? People who put forth minute effort in order to have their children. People who got pregnant on the first try or people who are parents to "oops" babies. No one who has ever suffered with difficulty conceiving would ever offer this up as advice. Because anyone who's been in my shoes knows that is not how it works. It's an absolute impossibility to not think/worry/ponder/fret/hope/dream about becoming pregnant when it seems so far out of your reach. But I digress..

..The point is this, had you asked me before today what I wanted for Christmas, yeah, I would have said, BABY!!!! And as I thought about this more this morning I got to wondering, when the hell did I get to be so selfish? I've always felt that I was a pretty unselfish person. But here I am, sitting in my warm apartment, eating my delicious breakfast, after just waking up from my bed, and I'm picking up clutter from my busy toddler (the same toddler that I dreamed, and wept, and desired 3 years ago - the one I longed for during the Christmas of 2007 - the same one that I conceived around that same Christmas of 2007), puttering around in my pajamas because I have the privilege of being able to be a homemaker and stay at home mom, and it just about smacked me over the head. For crying out loud! How could I be so greedy?

I am greedy. It's pure and simple. Greed is defined as "excessive or rapacious desire, esp. for wealth or power." I do have an excessive and rapacious desire for another child. I have this feeling that it is my right to have another child. I'm so desperate to have more than I have, and more than so many other people have that I've forgotten about what I do have.

I remember that Christmas of 2007. I was so broken, and so sad. I spent so much time earnestly praying for a child. I spent so much time weeping on the altar at church, begging, pleading for a child. And here I am three years later, and I have that precious, perfect, amazing child. But still I'm not satisfied.

I've long wondered why we, oh so deserving a family, haven't been gifted another child yet. I'm sick (literally) to my stomach over the people I've seen conceive lately. I'm so tired of hearing of teens, drug addicts, alcoholics, irresponsible, and unstable women conceiving children. I'm so tired of hearing about the children who are conceived unintentionally and then are vacuumed or burned out of their mother's wombs at abortion clinics around the world. I have this self righteous attitude that somehow I'm more deserving to have another child. I recognize this pride, this greed, this selfishness and I have to squash it before it completely envelops and consumes me.

I want another child. I want another pregnancy. I want a sibling for Joseph. I want to give my husband another baby. I want all those things. I do. But, I need to be grateful and appreciative for what I have. I have a healthy, beautiful, imaginative, brilliant little boy. He has rearranged my life in such a way that I don't know which way is up some days, but it's the most amazing, happy, loving experience of my life.

So, I'm not saying that I don't still want another child. I truly do. I'm not saying that I want to stop trying for another baby. We will continue to try. I'm not saying that I'm willing to accept the possibility of only having this one child. I will down the road seek out medical help if we continue to be unsuccessful. But, what I am saying is this: I am happy. I am satisfied. I am blessed. I have abundantly more than I deserve. I have everything right now that I need. My husband will be home for Christmas. I have a good man that strives to take care of his family. I am a stay at home mommy to the most precious little boy in the world. So, to answer the original question, "All I want for Christmas is..", everything I already have. There's nothing more I need in this world right now than what I already have.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Am I Living it Right?

Let me start by saying this, I trust God completely. I know He's faithful. I know He provides. But, I'm a pessimistic, doubtful human. Sometimes I wonder this exactly, 'Am I living it right?' Are we following God's path, His plan? Are we where we are supposed to be? Are we on the right course? This song and has summed up my feelings to a T. Please take a minute to listen and read the lyrics.

I'm sure I'm just feeling pessimistic with Jeremiah leaving. Don't take this wrong. I am proud and happy that my husband is serving our country. I am aware and accepting of the sacrifices that we've experienced and will continue to experience throughout this military career. In all honesty I believe these hardships and difficulties have aided in forming the person I am today. I am a better wife and a better mother, and I think too, a better sister, daughter, and friend.

I guess it's only natural to doubt things once in a while. I really think God has steered us to this career path. I really believe God's hand is in this. It's just hard to sometimes remember that during the sad/hard moments. But I guess these feelings of doubt keep us all on our toes. That way we don't get too comfortable and end up NOT 'living it right.'

Jeremiah and I both seem to find a song during each of these absences that is our anthem, or motivator or just a soundtrack to the current situation. I think this John Mayer song is mine for this duration.