Wednesday, December 15, 2010

All I Want for Christmas..

Okay, so seriously, who doesn't want to end this phrase with, "my two front teeth"?

Christmas is nearly here. For the masses it's a time of consumption and overspending. It's a time of stress and racking up credit card debt. But, I got to thinking this morning, what do I really want for Christmas?

Putting the stereotypical "selfless" answers aside, ya know the ones: World peace, end of world hunger, end of the recession, etc. And putting aside the comical ones: Two front teeth, hippopotamus, etc.

As a Christian I know the "reason" for the season. I know that this is a time to celebrate the birth of my Savior. I know that it's not about gifts, or debt. I know it's not about food, or gluttony. I know it's about Jesus. We celebrate this day, first and foremost, to honor the time when our Lord came to Earth as a little, helpless baby. I know that, I do.

Although I know that, I still have the greed that most people do at Christmas time. An overpowering feeling that I deserve some of my wants during this holiday season. I mean after all it's Christmas right? Why shouldn't I have what I want? Geez, I am selfish.

Ask me what I want for Christmas and you'll hear one of two answers. Either you'll get a list of things I'd like to own that I don't already have. Or perhaps you'll get what has been my standard answer of late: a baby. Truly, honestly, if I could have one thing for Christmas (and luckily I don't have to list my soldier in there, because he will be home for Christmas) it would be another child.

If you've paid attention to this blog, or my other blog (link on the right), you'll know we've been trying, albeit unsuccessfully to expand our family. Truly if I could have a Christmas wish or miracle, it would be for another bundle of joy. That's it. Truly. I have baby on the brain.

And while I'm talking about it, let me say this. Those of you who say, "just stop thinking about it and it'll happen," have never, ever been in my shoes or anything close to my shoes. Do you know who says that? People who put forth minute effort in order to have their children. People who got pregnant on the first try or people who are parents to "oops" babies. No one who has ever suffered with difficulty conceiving would ever offer this up as advice. Because anyone who's been in my shoes knows that is not how it works. It's an absolute impossibility to not think/worry/ponder/fret/hope/dream about becoming pregnant when it seems so far out of your reach. But I digress..

..The point is this, had you asked me before today what I wanted for Christmas, yeah, I would have said, BABY!!!! And as I thought about this more this morning I got to wondering, when the hell did I get to be so selfish? I've always felt that I was a pretty unselfish person. But here I am, sitting in my warm apartment, eating my delicious breakfast, after just waking up from my bed, and I'm picking up clutter from my busy toddler (the same toddler that I dreamed, and wept, and desired 3 years ago - the one I longed for during the Christmas of 2007 - the same one that I conceived around that same Christmas of 2007), puttering around in my pajamas because I have the privilege of being able to be a homemaker and stay at home mom, and it just about smacked me over the head. For crying out loud! How could I be so greedy?

I am greedy. It's pure and simple. Greed is defined as "excessive or rapacious desire, esp. for wealth or power." I do have an excessive and rapacious desire for another child. I have this feeling that it is my right to have another child. I'm so desperate to have more than I have, and more than so many other people have that I've forgotten about what I do have.

I remember that Christmas of 2007. I was so broken, and so sad. I spent so much time earnestly praying for a child. I spent so much time weeping on the altar at church, begging, pleading for a child. And here I am three years later, and I have that precious, perfect, amazing child. But still I'm not satisfied.

I've long wondered why we, oh so deserving a family, haven't been gifted another child yet. I'm sick (literally) to my stomach over the people I've seen conceive lately. I'm so tired of hearing of teens, drug addicts, alcoholics, irresponsible, and unstable women conceiving children. I'm so tired of hearing about the children who are conceived unintentionally and then are vacuumed or burned out of their mother's wombs at abortion clinics around the world. I have this self righteous attitude that somehow I'm more deserving to have another child. I recognize this pride, this greed, this selfishness and I have to squash it before it completely envelops and consumes me.

I want another child. I want another pregnancy. I want a sibling for Joseph. I want to give my husband another baby. I want all those things. I do. But, I need to be grateful and appreciative for what I have. I have a healthy, beautiful, imaginative, brilliant little boy. He has rearranged my life in such a way that I don't know which way is up some days, but it's the most amazing, happy, loving experience of my life.

So, I'm not saying that I don't still want another child. I truly do. I'm not saying that I want to stop trying for another baby. We will continue to try. I'm not saying that I'm willing to accept the possibility of only having this one child. I will down the road seek out medical help if we continue to be unsuccessful. But, what I am saying is this: I am happy. I am satisfied. I am blessed. I have abundantly more than I deserve. I have everything right now that I need. My husband will be home for Christmas. I have a good man that strives to take care of his family. I am a stay at home mommy to the most precious little boy in the world. So, to answer the original question, "All I want for Christmas is..", everything I already have. There's nothing more I need in this world right now than what I already have.

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