Thursday, April 22, 2010

Hard Times

"Let me tell you girl
what's gotten me through
is keepin' faith through it all

Cause there'll be dead ends and road blocks
tough times and hard knocks
seems like your always wonderin'
why you're at the right place
at the wrong time
wheels movin' but you feel stuck
like your life's spinnin' in a big mud
when you're out there runnin' around
on a wild goose chase
there's a reason to keep believin'
God don't make mistakes"

(From the song "God Don't Make Mistakes performed by Jamie O'Neal)

Anyone reading my blog should check this song out. It's a good "feel good" song. I think this was a fitting thing to post based on how things are going in so many people's lives right now.

I'm such a worrier. It must be the mother inside of me. I worry about other people and things that are going on in their lives. It's emotionally draining. I have such a difficult time detaching from others issues or problems. I wish I understood more of why I am like this, and how to turn it down a little. I shouldn't have sleepless nights because of other people's life choices.

I am too sensitive to the world around me. This has to be part of the problem. I want to please everyone. I want to fix everyone. It's just not going to all happen like that and even though I know that, I still try.

My sensitivity is what allows people's rude, petty, thoughtless, or unpleasant things to affect me so much. I am so easily guilted into or manipulated into things. If someone wants me to do something and I tell them no, and/or give them my reasons for not doing, going, planning, participating in something, and they continue to pressure me, I usually give in and do whatever it was just for the sake of keeping everyone happy. This isn't a good way to live. :( Why am I like this?

Writing all this out also reminds me of something else I've noticed. I have a tendency to be a perfectionist and slightly OCD sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. I am very responsible and have difficulty understanding others slightly less responsible than mine tendencies. I am noticing that Joseph is becoming a bit of a perfectionist as well. I don't want him to live with these same idiosyncrasies. But, sometimes if he can't do something exactly like he wants to he gets very frustrated. Sometimes he'll be coloring and then wad up his paper, throw it away, and want a new one because he's not happy with his work. Why would a 1 year old do this? Everything he does is awesome and amazing and I tell him this several times a day. Why would he think otherwise? He obviously is picking up on my flaws.

But anyways, I've gotten off topic. Back to the original point. I am sad to see so many people going through such difficult, frustrating, questionable, silly situations. So many people are out of work. So many people are going through financial problems. So many people are making choices that are completely contrary to my moral beliefs. So much sadness in so many peoples lives. I honestly have a hard time thinking of anyone that isn't experiencing some difficulty in their life.

Since I brought up moral beliefs, let me just touch on this for a moment. I am by no means a perfect person. I have not always had the values that I have today and therefore lived a life outside from things that I believe today. I have always thought and felt that as you grew into an adult, and matured as a person, life experiences and wisdom would bring you to a different place in your morals, and values than you were as a younger person. At least that's been true for me. I don't know if that's true for other people or not, but based on so many obstacles people are facing I would guess not. So many people have gone backwards, not forwards in their moral views on things. So it makes me wonder, why do some people who were more liberal grow more conservative, and those who were conservative more liberal?

So it's time to take my tired heart to bed. Just know that all of you experiencing challenges and obstacles are prayed for and thought of on a regular basis.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter and stuff

It's so hard to do this on a regular basis. I mean it's not that I don't want to, but sometimes it's a matter of not wanting to hurt any one's feelings. This is a little bit different since it's so public a forum.

So, where do I start? Well, today is Easter. It's been awesome actually celebrating Holy week at church. We have never attended a church that celebrated the resurrection of Jesus in such a magnificent way. This is an amazing place to be. I'm glad we found them. I can honestly say I have never felt more at home in a church in all my life. It's a great feeling. St. John the Apostle is the best!

Holidays are always tough though when you try and be diplomatic about sharing your time and seeing "both" sides of the family. It would be nice to have a big enough place and just do it here. In all honesty we may do that next year. It's just so hard to bounce around all day. It doesn't leave a whole lot of time for enjoying the holiday and I inevitably feel guilty for cutting our time short with one family or the other. It's a tough situation and I don't like it at all.

Joseph enjoyed the day though. He is understanding holidays a little more and more. It will still be awhile before he grasps the complete and true concept, but he's getting there.

He really enjoyed the Easter egg hunt at church. He also has enjoyed eating all the candy associated with Easter today. In fact, because we were gone so much today, he didn't even get to see what the Easter bunny left for him. He'll see tomorrow morning I guess.

He also really liked coloring the Easter eggs on Saturday night. He's such a funny kid. I love the way he does things. By the end his hands were completely green and he looked more Hulk than Aberlich. But, it was nothing a nice soak in a bubble bath couldn't take care of.

I also regret to say that I think we may be approaching the terrible two's. Joseph has been asserting his independence about napping lately. Unfortunately since he isn't in the crib anymore, I can't "make" him take a nap. I really hope this is not the end of naps. For any of you who really know me, you understand my love for naps. This would be a difficult change for me. They always tell you in the classes and the books, sleep when your child is sleeping and I try really hard to stick to it. But, I'm not ready to give naps up yet. And in complete truth, neither is Joseph. He's just trying to be bossy.

He's an awesome kid though. We are complimented on him so often. There aren't very many people who meet Joseph and don't fall completely in love with him. He has an amazing effect on people. We really are blessed. I never would have imagined my kid could be this awesome. He has exceeded all of my dreams and expectations of children and motherhood.

Oh also this has been weighing on my mind. But, as to not cause problems I will keep everyone anonymous in this story. On Friday while we were at church for the Good Friday service some people that we are close with came to church for this special service. The people that came are people that haven't completely accepted me and judge my abilities not only as an adult, and wife, but also a mother. A member of our congregation began talking to them and mentioned how much they love Joseph and how great of a mom I am. It was nice to have the outside affirmation and appreciation. They didn't confirm or agree with the statement, but I hope it maybe weighed on their minds, that I am a reasonably responsible adult, satisfactory wife, and a half way decent mother. I know the person who said this reads my blog, and I am thankful for their kind words and warm heart. You know who you are.

Another thing that's been on my mind lately is about time sharing. No, I'm not talking about purchasing a vacation spot. I'm talking about sharing what little time we do have as a family with other people. Maybe we've been stingy. Maybe not. But it's hard when you have only a few quality hours with your family where everyone is awake to dole them out to other things. I love my friends and the rest of my family, but I need a little slack. Jeremiah will be leaving in June for at LEAST two months. It's hard not to be selfish when you know you are going to be apart, and aren't completely 100% certain when you will be together again. I'm not trying to alienate anyone, I'm just trying to make the most of the little bits of time we have together. It's so hard to juggle free time in a way to please everyone. I wish I was better at it than I am.

This wouldn't be a complete blog if I didn't discuss baby fever for a moment. Most of you know (especially if you've read any of my other blogs on here or on myspace) that I had a difficult, to say the least, pregnancy with Joseph. Although pre-eclampsia and PIH can strike women of every shape and size, your risk of developing it if you are overweight is dramatically increased. So, with the planning of a second child in the future I am going to try my best to eat better, get more daily activity and lose a little weight. It's worth a shot if it will possibly help me to carry our next child with fewer complications. I hope this more tangible reason for a healthier lifestyle will stick. I really want to be able to take my next child home from the hospital when I leave the hospital. My plan is to start this better, healthy lifestyle tomorrow.

In closing I would just like to again reiterate how awesome Joseph is. I can never say it enough. That kid is amazing!