Tuesday, April 19, 2011

When Life Throws You Lemons..

Well, it's good if you see the lemons coming, sometimes you can dodge them. Other times you get boinked in the head because you were looking in the opposite direction. The latter describes the last month or so for me.

Most of you who read my blog also follow my facebook and know all that has happened. March came in like a lion and carried on it's wild behavior straight through the first couple weeks of April. Three hospitalizations within a month. Total time spent as an inpatient for multiple problems, 3 weeks. Three weeks! Seriously? Seriously!?! As I start to write this I go from being saddened and guilt stricken about this entire situation to seriously pissed off. Three weeks in the hospital? Not to discount the fact that this all took place while my husband was in Georgia active duty training. I cannot even think of a way to describe how flippin' ridiculous this past 4-5 weeks has been with using expletives.

I've been poked, scanned, jabbed, scoped, cut, medicated, radiated, imaged, diagnosed, rediagnosed, misdiagnosed, and been left broken in body if nothing else. I've had a biliary duct blockage, biopsies taken, infections, infections, infections, shunts/stents placed and removed. I've had internal bleeding. I've been given a medication that I was allergic to and subsequently had to go on steroids to ease the allergic reaction. I've been doped up, antibiotic'ed out. Over the course of these hospital stays I've spent pretty much everyday or close to 4 weeks on at least one antibiotic. I've swelled from IV fluids, lost weight because I was unable to eat most of March and part of April. I'm worn down, tired, and shaky.

I'm 27 years old. I shouldn't have to deal with these things yet. My liver isn't working at top notch right now, and no one is 100% on why. My pancreas is still healing from the pancreatitis and bleeding it suffered. I've had blood taken so often and in such large quantities that I have no doubt if we were to add every drop up that was taken that I could fill a gallon jug.

The worst part of this whole situation is the uncertainty and not knowing the definitive outcome. My liver is still acting up. It could be still healing, it could be something more. It's scary. My possible outcomes were laid out for me. Best case, my liver is just irritated from the surgery and pancreatitis and will heal completely. Worst case, I could be in liver failure within 20 years and be on a transplant list. A very daunting prospect indeed. Not to mention the fact that I tested abnormally for some pretty serious diseases and that further testing down the road will be need to completely eliminate or confirm some of these things. It's scary to say the least. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I feel guilty. And I'm pissed off. *sigh*

I've missed so many things during my sick time. I've missed special events, church, parties, and most missed is the normalcy of my life. I've missed my son. I've missed my life. It just frustrates me even further.

I am beginning to feel better. I am not quite so shaky and I have more energy. I'm able to eat again, and keep it down. I'm able to tackle some of the mundane chores of my life, and I'm glad to be on the road I am. I just hope and pray I can stay on this road for a long time.

On a very positive note, my husband's training is over. He is home. It's good to have someone to lean on again. It's good to have my help mate back. It's awesome to have a husband and father in our home again. I'll tell you all one thing for sure. If ever he goes on a training stint again and we are able to accompany him, regardless of the cost, we will go. I know we won't always be able to go with him, but when we can, we will be there. I do NOT want to go through anything like this again without him unless I absolutely have to.

So in the meantime, I've strapped on my perverbial helmet, and hopefully I can dodge the next round of lemons heading my way.

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