Thursday, July 14, 2011

Day 10 of 30

Day 10- Something you can't seem to get over:

Okay so this one is on the tougher side. I don't want to write about something petty or immature. Because with all honesty, anything petty and immature in nature that you just 'can't seem to get over' just further proves your own pettiness and immaturity.

I want to write about something that has impacted me whether it be in a negative or positive way. That's hard too, I mean how many times do we as humans take time to truly learn from our life's events?

Part of the reason I'm writing this blog challenge entry so late in the day is because I've been debating the topic all day long. I have a couple of ideas, but I'm hesitant to write about any of them. It's hard sometimes to open yourself up to things that aren't necessarily resolved or healed.

That being said, I've chosen to write about my biological father.

Now there are some people on my facebook friend list that may be offended by this. I truly hope you aren't. I never knew my biological father the way some of you did and therefore my perspective of him may be jaded.

So, one thing that I just can't seem to get over is the fact that my biological father did not want to be any part of my life.

I know he was very young and in fact still a teenager when I was conceived. But, I will never understand, never be able to justify why he didn't want to be a part of my life. The part that makes it even more frustrating is I will never be able to have these questions answered or resolve these feelings of abandonment because he has been dead since I was a toddler. It's an all around very complicated, very frustrating, and very sad situation.

As a parent I will never understand his lack of love, devotion or compassion for me, his flesh and blood. I could never imagine not wanting to be a part of my child's life, so I cannot begin to understand why he never wanted to be a part of my life.

It was easy to think of topics that have impacted me negatively. It was hard, but I was able to think of situations that have impacted me positively. But in the end I believe this situation has impacted me both in a positive and negative way.

Obviously I still harbor some abandonment issues over this situation. I am an insecure person and I know most of that stems from my fear that people will leave me. I'm a people pleaser and I know that too is based on my fear of people abandoning me. These are definitely negative traits to have. But luckily I have good traits that, I think, outweigh the bad.

His abandonment affected me positively because of the Dad and family I have now. I wouldn't have this family if he had wanted to be my father. I'm blessed and fortunate to have a Dad that chose to be the father that this other man didn't want to be. I was blessed to have him share his last name as mine and to raise me no differently than his flesh and blood. I have extended relatives from my Dad's side too that I am fortunate to call family. I know none of this would be possible if my biological father hadn't taken the easy way out.

So, although I'll never understand this situation clearly I am blessed none the less. And I know for a fact the positive out weighs the negative here. I, however, will never be able to forget about the bastard he made me.

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