Friday, December 9, 2011

You're not my Judge

I don't know where I'm at. I don't know where to start. I'm hoping that if I start writing some of this excess emotion and burden will be released from me and I can start moving forward without the excess weight it's causing.

But before I begin, please I beg of you; I do not need to hear the cliches. I do not need the empty words that float around from one mouth to the next as if to serve as some kind of pat on the back to those who need it. I don't need to hear about God not giving me more than I can handle, or how these trials are shaping me, how this is part of being a grown up, or how this will pass. I don't need it, I don't want it. So please keep it to yourself.

In all honesty I truly feel like things have been on a downward spiral for weeks now.

Life is stressful. Things don't go as planned. It causes us to be Gumby-like. Bend this way, reach that way. Sometimes bend until we snap or at least crack.

It's no secret that we've struggled to find our footing financially in Michigan. It's no secret as to the amount of stress this has caused. As I've stated before, we left two nice paying, full-time jobs, with benefits to move back here. Mostly that is my fault. I wanted to be here, I wanted to be in the place that I thought was home. Years have matured me and brought me to the realization that home isn't necessarily where you're from. After careful introspection I've found that we've traded what were not necessarily problems but mere inconveniences for a set a heavy, ugly, nasty problems. The grass is never greener on the other side. And I think there is definitely something in the phrase, "You can't go home again."

I carry a lot around with me. I'm a sensitive person, and I have this deep seeded feeling that it's my job to make everyone happy and fix everything. It's taken me a long time to really and truly realize how unrealistic and impossible that it. But regardless of how much of that I let go, I still have thin skin. I still feel a heavy burden when people aren't pleased with me.

My sensitivity allows me to be a passionate, compassionate, empathetic, loving, caring, concerned person. However, it also opens a lot of spaces for people to use and misuse me, and I don't know how to properly channel that. Think about it this way, I'm like a big piece of Swiss cheese. I have big openings that allow my love, passion, kindness, consideration to flow through. But those holes go both ways. So when someone spews their hostility, disdain, or other forms of nastiness I absorb them as easily and deeply as I exude love and tenderness.

I keep to myself a lot. I'm quiet. I'm reserved. I'm not always socially active. It's not who I am. Probably a lot of it comes from my need to protect myself. The less people I let in, the less people I have to deal with hurting me in ways that I can't properly deal with. It doesn't mean I'm a bitch. It doesn't mean I'm stuck up. It just means that I am a scared person that has been wronged so many times that I've found keeping my distance is the easiest way to protect myself.

But regardless of the amount of people in which I socialize, I am a good person. I am kind. I am generous. I am loving. I am considerate. I am compassionate. Regardless of that, there are some people in my life that dislike me for reasons that either are completely out of my control or for no reason whatsoever. In all technicality I was born a bastard. No, I wasn't raised in a Christian home. Yes, I have a past. And yes, I've done moronic, immature and irresponsible things as a teenager. Those things don't define the person I've become or the woman I am today. But for some people they do. I'm not good enough, never will be, and nothing I ever do will ever allow me to measure up to some people's standards. It's unfortunate, it's sad, and it's probably one of the most frustrating problems in my life. It's something I cannot resolve on my own, and it's a burden that will be thrust upon me until those people are no longer a part of my life.

I'm an educated woman. Yes, not as educated as my mother would like. I am Baptized and have been covered and saved by the blood of my Lord and Savior. I'm a woman of strong ethics and morals. I'm not promiscuous and do not now nor have I ever had a sexual transmitted disease. I have good credit. That is an indication of my fortitude to keeping my word, promises, and the importance I place on taking care of my responsibilities. I plan for my child's educational future. I constantly think of others and put myself last in almost every situation. I am a good cook, a so-so housekeeper, and I take pride in knowing my family is always taken care of. I don't have a drug problem, in fact the only medication I take on a regular basis are prenatal vitamins so that my body is healthy for the opportunity to support and nourish another child. I rarely drink. I don't smoke. I have debt, but it's been out of necessity of living and making ends meet and I'm proud to say that I've not accumulated any new debt for over a year. Yes, my health is sometimes an issue. But over the last 18 months I've done a complete turnaround of my lifestyle. I exercise regularly, eat healthy, and focus on strengthening my body. I've raised a brilliant, kind, and polite little boy. I'm an Army wife who's husband has been gone about 1/2 of the last 2 years. I tithe always. I donate my time and energy to my church. I donate my finances, and time to those less fortunate than me. I am a strong pro-life believer and have stood in the rain and cold on different occasions to picket abortion clinics.

I'm not that bad.

I'm definitely not as bad as you think I am.

Definitely not as bad as you treat me.

I'm definitely not so bad that you have to try so hard to make my life harder than it already is. Or treat me in the way in which you do.

But I'm praying about it. And even though I'm not perfect, and even though I still cannot completely handle it, God is making me stronger. And He has reassured me that you will have to answer one day to Him. You will have to justify and explain why it was your place to hate, and abuse me. You will have to explain to Him why you didn't love, encourage, and build me up.

And I'm thankful everyday that my judgement will come from my loving Savior who is kind and forgiving, and not from you. Because I know in your eyes (and everyone else you gossip and complain to about me) that I've already failed.

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