I've sat here for a while debating whether or not to write this. I have used this blog as an emotional outlet and for a way of keeping everyone updated about our lives and more specifically right now, our pregnancy. I guess part of me thinks if I say nothing, this whole thing might just go away and I never will have to think of it again.
Sadly, that's not the case. I need to get this out, I need to write this because hopefully it will give me some relief and take away some of the weight on my shoulders.
Let me start at the beginning.
Yesterday as you know was our first doctor's appointment. It went as smoothly as could have been expected for a 6 week prenatal visit. The doctor did give me one instruction though, if I had any bleeding to head directly for the ER. This instruction was given as a pre-emptive strike to my history of miscarriage. I explained to her that I'd not seen a drop of blood this pregnancy and was feeling well. She reiterated her instructions and went about the exam.
Late last night when I went to the bathroom I had a few swipes of blood tinged mucus. I was actually on my way to bed, and debated about just waiting to see if it was better by the morning, but decided to heed the OB's instruction and head into the ER. Joseph was sleeping and it was so late I just had Jeremiah stay home and I left on my own.
Over the course of the next several hours I was about to experience every frickin' emotion on the human spectrum of feeling.
When I first was getting ready and leaving the house there was a lot of doubt in my mind as to whether or not this was necessary. I didn't want to be wasting anyone's time, mine or the doctor's. I did have a brief moment of bleeding with Joseph that resolved as mysteriously as it started and I never saw a drop of blood again until delivery.
But as I started driving, my mind of doubt about whether this was neccessary changed to a mind of fear and loss. What if I was really losing the baby? What if this baby we have wanted, prayed for, waited for was losing it's small hold on life and slipping away? I began to cry. No. I began to sob. Within moments I couldn't even see and I had to pull over and gain my composure. I gained as much control of myself as possible and gently cried the rest of the way to the ER.
As I continued to drive I began to experience anger and frustration over this situation. Why? WHY?!? This is not fair. This is not fair. Why? Why can teenagers get pregnant and have a complication-free pregnancy and our family that can take care of and who wants another baby is having so many hinderances.
By the time I arrived I had most of myself under control, although I had set myself up for the worst news.
They immediately took me back and I saw a doctor within about 1o minutes. The plan of action was a speculum exam, bloodwork, and an ultrasound. The bloodwork was going to be completely useless though because they had nothing to compare the hormone levels to. They use bloodwork as a way to monitor the progression of the hormones that should naturally build up in your system as a pregnancy normally progresses.
My first stop was ultrasound. The tech, although doing her job, was not very compassionate. She turned the screen and would not even let me watch her do her work. She wouldn't tell me anything, good or bad. All I could think was that here was possibly my only chance to see my unborn baby before it completely slipped away and she won't even let me have this closure. I just layed there crying. There was nothing else I could do.
After the ultrasound was complete the doctor and nurse came in to do the pelvic exam. During my last miscarriage, when I went to the hospital my cervix was completely open. So, that was the first thing I asked as he was doing the exam. Much to my relief he told me my cervix was completely closed and not what you would see if my body was in the middle of aborting the baby.
The relief washed over me and I figured I was just experiencing what had happened at about 7 or 8 weeks with Joseph. My relief was short lived though.
The attending came in not long after to let me know that there were some areas of concern from my ultrasound. Firstly, he told me that the baby is the size they would expect for how far along I am and that it had strong fetal heart tones. But, there were some possible problems. Number one, I had a large cyst on my ovary. This isn't what was causing the bleeding, but it's something that needs to be monitored to be sure it doesn't get out of control. The part that he and the OB on call were most concerned about was a placental bleed that was picked up on the ultrasound.
He told me it was something that would have to be monitored by my OB and that it was just going to be a waiting game. He told me that many women can have this bleed and go on to carry to term without further complications. But he also told me that if this bleed doesn't resolve it can cause a lot of problems. I am now at an increased risk of miscarriage, pre-term labor, and placental abruption. Not only my baby's health, but also my health could hang in the balance.
Now, they did not do an ultrasound when I had bleeding with Joseph. So, it's completely possible I had the same condition and it resolved without further incidence. But unfortunately, there is no way to know. Now it's just a waiting game. A painful, nerve-wracking, waiting game.
There's nothing we can do to speed up the waiting part either. We have to see what my body does. We have to see if the baby is strong and will continue to develop and if the hormones will continue to increase.
Unless the bleeding gets too heavy or uncontrollable I will be at home. I will be seeing my OB mid-next week. The ER doctors gave me instructions to take it as easy as possible until we find out exactly how serious this is and what course of action may need to take place.
Please pray for our unborn child. This child is so wanted, and so loved. Please pray that this bleed absorbs and will no longer be a life-threatening concern to the baby. Please pray that this baby will make a healthy, strong debut this summer.